He left again today. The fourth time since June, which makes it one fourth of our current two year Army induced separation. So since this isn’t the first time in our marriage and his career that we have had to live in two different locations, and since after this last one, we can finally retire and have more control over our circumstances, we are doing are level best to walk this one out with strength and grace. We’ve been here before.
That means that we don’t feel sorry for ourselves, not for too long anyway. It means counting days, and weeks and months. It means excited hellos, and emotional goodbyes. It means I run our little farmette on my own and parent our son without the presence of his father. It means being strong for all of us. It means not being able to fall to pieces when I want to and suiting up for battle daily, with a smile if I can find one.
Sure, there is plenty I could find to feel sorry about. But I know better now. I used to wallow quite successfully in the ‘poor me’s, but I end up being sick. Sick and tired of listening to myself whine and feel like I’m so unfairly treated by life. That is also a lot of hooey since I am extremely blessed to have the life I have.
In the end, to be blue is a conscious choice. Emotions result from thoughts, and if the thoughts that respond to circumstances are acknowledged and let go, and dare I say ‘controlled’, the extreme emotions dissipate. I dare say my opinion may not be what some might say about emotions. After all, we have been led to believe that if we ‘feel’ something, it must be true and therefore I have a right to feel it, and act on it, and effect everyone in my immediate family for better or worse. However fun that sounds to let it all hang out, I have found that the more I see my emotions as a result of my thinking and not the other way around, the more I can change my thinking which may at that moment be irrational, and make my actions NOT hurt someone.
For example, when I am over hungry, I may experience low blood sugar and become irritable. My first clue to this, as I am obviously not in tune to my body’s needs, is to recognize I am feeling anxious, and irritable. (ie: I just snapped at my loved ones for nothing) Then my mind must figure out what is going on. My body’s physical state is causing my emotions to be heightened and my thoughts turn to irritation. Be acknowledging this, I can feed my body, stop my emotions from running my actions, and control how I act. This seems over simplified, but I am finally learning how this thing works. I truly do have the ability to control my own emotions and actions.
While I do miss my husband terribly, while he is ‘deployed’ in service to our Country, I am able, by controlling my own thoughts, to handle the day to day life with joy and shalom. I am alright rather I wallow in self pity or not. Why would I want to waste my life feeling sorry for myself over something I have no control over of? I have a good life, a blessed life and I intend to continue just so.
Ask me how I’m doing? Sure. I’ll tell you, I’m fine. And I will mean it